Letting You Go

I still remember my first thought about you
I was convinced that you and I can't never stand each other presence
Though, that maybe only me
And it turns out, I was wrong; really,really wrong

We actually can exist in the same space without feeling suffocated
In fact, I actually enjoyed your company
As time goes on, we're getting closer to each other
Even if some of your friends were befuddled on how on earth you can befriended me
Intimidating is one of the many words that has been used to describes me
And arrogant is the most popular first impression of me
But you didn't see me like that, not even on our first meeting

Somehow, you sort of became the one constant in my life
I had to see your face everyday, even if it only for a second
And I can't help but to smile back when you smile at me

Do you remember that one night? We had sort of an impromptu 'date' at the lobby
It was only me and you and the silence of the night
We talked but I can't really remember what we talked about
All I remember now was how happy I was that night
But, at that moment I thought nothing of it
I was content just being able to talk freely with you, without what I called The Wall

The Wall is this invisible walls I set around myself; and not many people can truly convinced me to at least lower it so they can enter
But you, you don't even try and there I was destroying The Wall on my free will
Something that I was about to regret later on in my life

Time passed and we were as close as ever
You are as good as a friend can be
Do you remember when I told you about my heartbreak?
You didn't give him or me a judgement
You just gave a few consoling words to me and it was enough
Only you and my best friend since matrix would able to do that
But somehow along the way, something changed
I changed; my feelings changed
I fall for you

Sad thing is, I realised my feelings towards you only after you became someone else's
What sadder was, there was nothing I could do but to watch you with That Person
I stayed at the sideline, just watching
That Person broke your heart; I still stay at the sideline
You get over That Person and getting closer to Person A; me at the sideline
Nothing happens between you and Person A; I rejoiced a bit at the sideline
And now, you are with Person B and you're happy
And here I am at the sideline happy for you, but miserable inside

You know I would do anything for you, don't you?
I cannot say no to you, ever
Lucky you are not an opportunists; or maybe you are and I just can't see it
But I can't imagine you as that; you are just one of the nicest person I've ever known
I cannot help but to feel like I want to give you everything in this world
Cheesy this might be, but you make me want to be a better person
This is coming from someone that has been labelled "Zero Motivation" by her parents, so yeah, you are that special
Sometimes, you gave me hope that maybe something can happen between us
But no, it was just you being a good friend
I am happy and content just being your friend
Because there is still this tiny hope inside me that say 'We', as in you and I, could happen

And then, reality sets in
You and me would never be
The most we can be is friends
It is impossible for us to be more than that
Because you and Person B just so right with each other
Person B makes you happy and that is enough for me
And quoting Adele:
 "Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I Wish nothing but the best for you, too"


All I ask is this, Please don't forget me
Because I will never forget you.
I love you too much to forget you.

This is me confessing my feelings
But it doesn't mean I am hoping you to accept it
This is actually me letting you go
I have to tell you this to have a proper goodbye
So, goodbye my dear friend
Hope you will have the best that life could offer

Goodbye,

And please remember me.

Bila ditanya "Bila nak kahwin?".....

Aku pernah ditanya:
" Are you considering a relationship or can you imagine yourself in a relationship? Not necessarily now, in the future perhaps? Or are you just a serial dater? *laughter*" (Dia hanya bergurau di soalan terakhir tu)


Kalau anda ditanya soalan ni, apa jawapan anda?
Ramai yang lebih kurang umur aku mesti jawab
"Not now but sometimes in the future I do want a relationship"
Soalan relationship adalah soalan wajib ditanya kalau ada reunion
Rasa-rasanya lah, kalau soalan ni tak wujud, reunion mesti jadi boring
Dan bagi sesetengah orang, soalan relationship adalah seperti sialan. Ehe.

Penat kot kalau setiap kali family gathering, soalan sama ditanya. "Bila nak kahwin? Takde boyfriend?"
Dan juga bosan setiap kali orang menuturkan "Takde boyfriend?! Tipulah takde. Takkanlah kot"
Selalunya aku sengih je bila bab2 ni timbul dalam mana2 conversation.
Sebab dengan sengihan aku tu, orang boleh menafsirkan macam2 dan mereka tak tanya apa2 lagi kemudiannya.
Jadi, senyumlah anda jika anda ditanya soalan ni oleh sesiapa je. Termasuklah mak tiga pupu anda yang anda tak kenal pun.

Jawapan aku kepada soalan di atas?

Itu adalah rahsia antara si Penanya soalan dan aku :)

Here comes the Nightmare

Sleep is nice.
I mean, who doesn't like to sleep?
Especially after a long, hard day?
Feeling that blissful feeling of drifting to the Land of No Worries, where there are no worries in that world
Where all problems ceased to exist, or it simply turns into those weird-montages-with-psychedelics-things-in between-the-frame kind of dream
The kind of dream that sometimes left you wondering "What the hell was my sub-conscious mind thinking?!"
And finally wakes up from a weird but restful night

But (yup there's a but in everything),
Sometimes going to sleep is a struggle (or worse, a fight), even after a long, hard and tiring day.
When the mind refused to shut off, because those insistent thoughts refused to go away
Sleep came hard, and it came with a heart-wrenching feeling
The kind of feelings that contribute to the saying 'crying oneself to sleep'
And even if sleep comes easily, Nightmare will come to pay a visit
And there are many kind of Nightmare
There's the wakes-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of Nightmare
There's the it-felt-so-real-it-it-caused-you-to-wake-up-sweating-and-trying-to-find-your-breath kind of Nightmare
There's the it-was-so-scary-I-don't-want-to-sleep-alone-anymore kind of Nightmare
There's the it-keep-coming-back-to-haunt-my-night kind of Nightmare
See, there are many kind of Nightmare
And my least favourite kind of Nightmare?
It's the it-really-the-sub-conscious-projecting-your-fear-and-your-every-thought-it-felt-so-real-and-so-raw-it-caused-you-to-really-cry-in-your-sleep-and-it-will-keep-haunting-your-night-you'll-have-many-sleepless-night

I want and need to sleep

But I don't want to go to bed (at least, not alone)

Because going to bed means thinking that thoughts

And crying myself to sleep

And having my least favourite Nightmare paying a visit

And waking up feeling worse than before

Rahsia Yang Melecehkan

Rahsia adalah satu perkara yang melecehkan
Menyimpannya kadang-kala menjadi beban
Tapi untuk memberitahu orang, tidak sama sekali
Dan aku bukanlah bercakap tentang rahsia yang kecik2
Yang macam "Aku suka Si A. Kau jangan beritau orang lain tau."
Aku bercakap tentang rahsia yang mampu mengubah hidup orang tersebut jika orang lain dapat tau
Lebih kepada yang seperti "Aku pernah masuk pusat tahanan juvana. Dan jangan tanya kenapa"

Kalau rahsia itu adalah rahsia seseorang, dan kita diamanahkan untuk menyimpannya,
Mungkin ia agak senang untuk melupakannya sebab ia bukan rahsia kita sendiri
Orang beritahu kita, orang cakap jangan beritahu orang lain dan secara tak sedar kita lupa tentang perkara tu

Tapi kalau rahsia diri sendiri? Yang merayu-rayu untuk diberitahu kepada orang lain? (ye aku translate direct ayat ni dari English)
Rahsia yang, buat segala bagai benda pun, takkan berjaya lesap dari fikiran
Kalau berjaya pun, perkara yang sekecil-kecil kuman pun akan buat kita teringat semula benda tu
Pada satu tahap, akan terasa nak cerita je semua kat orang lain untuk kurangkan rasa beban
Tapi diri sendiri tahu, sampai mati pun kita takkan beritahu orang lain
Dan akhirnya, kita bercakap dengan diri sendiri semata-mata untuk keluarkan benda tu dari fikiran
Kemudiannya, orang kereta sebelah ingat kita gila sebab cakap sorang-sorang dalam kereta walaupun tak pakai handsfree.

Rahsia memang melecehkan...

Life Notes for future reference.

Dear Me (Dot3),

Here are some life notes you should keep for future references. Open this post sometimes in the future:

1) Never promise promises you don't intend to keep. It sucks to be on the receiving end of a broken promise

2) Likewise, never hold on to any promises promised to you except God's promises. People tend to forget.

3) Yes it is difficult, but please learn to say no. Sometimes saying yes will lead to lots of screw-up.

4) Don't love the one you love too much. This includes family, friends and whoever you love. Yes, even the family.

5) Human should be dictated by their mind, not by their heart. As the Malay proverb said "Ikut hati, mati"


6) Sometimes, it worth biting the tongue than blurting out what's on your mind. Because silence is golden.

7) Sometimes, life sucks. Nothing you can do about it. Just soldier on. It may or may not get better, but you will learn something from it.

8) People will come and go. And people who stay will change; so will you.

9) Please make a more sturdier walls. The one you have is actually not sturdy enough.

That is all for now. You may add some when you open this sometimes in the future.

Yours truly,

Dot3

Walls and Phones

Kau,

Kau dan aku sama-sama jenis tak reti nak depend kat orang

Apatah lagi nak cerita soal jiwa raga segala bagai

Kan kita punya dinding boleh kalah nuclear bunk

Tapi akan ada beberapa orang yang tau luar dalam segala bagai perangai dan sifat kita

Dan orang-orang ni yang kita akan cari

Tapi kau lagi hebat dari aku

Sebab kau fikir orang lain dulu baru kau fikir diri sendiri

Walau kau sendiri dalam mess yang amat sangat

Dan aku sedikit pentingkan diri

But know this,

I care about you and no matter what mess I am in, 

Yours will be my priority

Bak kata Fairy Godmother dalam cerita Shrek:

"Happily Ever After Just a Phone Call Away"

Tapi dalam bab aku dan kau:

"I'm just a phone call away"

Just a phone call away...

With Raya, comes family gathering (and something else)

It was a gut-clenching, almost heart-wrenching moment
Gut-clenching for a reason
Almost heart-wrenching for almost entirely different reason
It was one part of Raya and  family gathering that I hate


A comment here, a comment there
It was all in a good sport
Just an innocent teasing
But they all touched many nerves
Or perhaps one huge sensitive nerve


Just paste a (fake) smile on the face and eat the kuihs and drink the air sirap
Or perhaps just laugh it off as if it was the funniest thing ever heard in a long time
Or just tactfully change the subject
Else I run the chance of losing my tongue from biting it too strong


It was a topic I hate for myriad of reasons
And I don't want to tell them what I need to tell them
Because the truth will be...complicated? heartbreaking?saddening? hurtful?(go on, pick a word)


Ah yes, the truth
They can't and won't handle the truth
So I will just stick with eating kuihs and drinking air sirap
And pasting the sweetest (fake) smile on my face