Monday, November 21, 2011

Letting You Go

I still remember my first thought about you
I was convinced that you and I can't never stand each other presence
Though, that maybe only me
And it turns out, I was wrong; really,really wrong

We actually can exist in the same space without feeling suffocated
In fact, I actually enjoyed your company
As time goes on, we're getting closer to each other
Even if some of your friends were befuddled on how on earth you can befriended me
Intimidating is one of the many words that has been used to describes me
And arrogant is the most popular first impression of me
But you didn't see me like that, not even on our first meeting

Somehow, you sort of became the one constant in my life
I had to see your face everyday, even if it only for a second
And I can't help but to smile back when you smile at me

Do you remember that one night? We had sort of an impromptu 'date' at the lobby
It was only me and you and the silence of the night
We talked but I can't really remember what we talked about
All I remember now was how happy I was that night
But, at that moment I thought nothing of it
I was content just being able to talk freely with you, without what I called The Wall

The Wall is this invisible walls I set around myself; and not many people can truly convinced me to at least lower it so they can enter
But you, you don't even try and there I was destroying The Wall on my free will
Something that I was about to regret later on in my life

Time passed and we were as close as ever
You are as good as a friend can be
Do you remember when I told you about my heartbreak?
You didn't give him or me a judgement
You just gave a few consoling words to me and it was enough
Only you and my best friend since matrix would able to do that
But somehow along the way, something changed
I changed; my feelings changed
I fall for you

Sad thing is, I realised my feelings towards you only after you became someone else's
What sadder was, there was nothing I could do but to watch you with That Person
I stayed at the sideline, just watching
That Person broke your heart; I still stay at the sideline
You get over That Person and getting closer to Person A; me at the sideline
Nothing happens between you and Person A; I rejoiced a bit at the sideline
And now, you are with Person B and you're happy
And here I am at the sideline happy for you, but miserable inside

You know I would do anything for you, don't you?
I cannot say no to you, ever
Lucky you are not an opportunists; or maybe you are and I just can't see it
But I can't imagine you as that; you are just one of the nicest person I've ever known
I cannot help but to feel like I want to give you everything in this world
Cheesy this might be, but you make me want to be a better person
This is coming from someone that has been labelled "Zero Motivation" by her parents, so yeah, you are that special
Sometimes, you gave me hope that maybe something can happen between us
But no, it was just you being a good friend
I am happy and content just being your friend
Because there is still this tiny hope inside me that say 'We', as in you and I, could happen

And then, reality sets in
You and me would never be
The most we can be is friends
It is impossible for us to be more than that
Because you and Person B just so right with each other
Person B makes you happy and that is enough for me
And quoting Adele:
 "Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I Wish nothing but the best for you, too"

All I ask is this, Please don't forget me
Because I will never forget you.
I love you too much to forget you.

This is me confessing my feelings
But it doesn't mean I am hoping you to accept it
This is actually me letting you go
I have to tell you this to have a proper goodbye
So, goodbye my dear friend
Hope you will have the best that life could offer

And please remember me.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Bila ditanya "Bila nak kahwin?".....

Aku pernah ditanya:
" Are you considering a relationship or can you imagine yourself in a relationship? Not necessarily now, in the future perhaps? Or are you just a serial dater? *laughter*" (Dia hanya bergurau di soalan terakhir tu)

Kalau anda ditanya soalan ni, apa jawapan anda?
Ramai yang lebih kurang umur aku mesti jawab
"Not now but sometimes in the future I do want a relationship"
Soalan relationship adalah soalan wajib ditanya kalau ada reunion
Rasa-rasanya lah, kalau soalan ni tak wujud, reunion mesti jadi boring
Dan bagi sesetengah orang, soalan relationship adalah seperti sialan. Ehe.

Penat kot kalau setiap kali family gathering, soalan sama ditanya. "Bila nak kahwin? Takde boyfriend?"
Dan juga bosan setiap kali orang menuturkan "Takde boyfriend?! Tipulah takde. Takkanlah kot"
Selalunya aku sengih je bila bab2 ni timbul dalam mana2 conversation.
Sebab dengan sengihan aku tu, orang boleh menafsirkan macam2 dan mereka tak tanya apa2 lagi kemudiannya.
Jadi, senyumlah anda jika anda ditanya soalan ni oleh sesiapa je. Termasuklah mak tiga pupu anda yang anda tak kenal pun.

Jawapan aku kepada soalan di atas?
Itu adalah rahsia antara si Penanya soalan dan aku :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Here comes the Nightmare

Sleep is nice.
I mean, who doesn't like to sleep?
Especially after a long, hard day?
Feeling that blissful feeling of drifting to the Land of No Worries, where there are no worries in that world
Where all problems ceased to exist, or it simply turns into those weird-montages-with-psychedelics-things-in between-the-frame kind of dream
The kind of dream that sometimes left you wondering "What the hell was my sub-conscious mind thinking?!"
And finally wakes up from a weird but restful night

But (yup there's a but in everything),
Sometimes going to sleep is a struggle (or worse, a fight), even after a long, hard and tiring day.
When the mind refused to shut off, because those insistent thoughts refused to go away
Sleep came hard, and it came with a heart-wrenching feeling
The kind of feelings that contribute to the saying 'crying oneself to sleep'
And even if sleep comes easily, Nightmare will come to pay a visit
And there are many kind of Nightmare
There's the wakes-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of Nightmare
There's the it-felt-so-real-it-it-caused-you-to-wake-up-sweating-and-trying-to-find-your-breath kind of Nightmare
There's the it-was-so-scary-I-don't-want-to-sleep-alone-anymore kind of Nightmare
There's the it-keep-coming-back-to-haunt-my-night kind of Nightmare
See, there are many kind of Nightmare
And my least favourite kind of Nightmare?
It's the it-really-the-sub-conscious-projecting-your-fear-and-your-every-thought-it-felt-so-real-and-so-raw-it-caused-you-to-really-cry-in-your-sleep-and-it-will-keep-haunting-your-night-you'll-have-many-sleepless-night

I want and need to sleep
But I don't want to go to bed (at least, not alone)
Because going to bed means thinking that thoughts
And crying myself to sleep
And having my least favourite Nightmare paying a visit
And waking up feeling worse than before