Letting You Go

I still remember my first thought about you
I was convinced that you and I can't never stand each other presence
Though, that maybe only me
And it turns out, I was wrong; really,really wrong

We actually can exist in the same space without feeling suffocated
In fact, I actually enjoyed your company
As time goes on, we're getting closer to each other
Even if some of your friends were befuddled on how on earth you can befriended me
Intimidating is one of the many words that has been used to describes me
And arrogant is the most popular first impression of me
But you didn't see me like that, not even on our first meeting

Somehow, you sort of became the one constant in my life
I had to see your face everyday, even if it only for a second
And I can't help but to smile back when you smile at me

Do you remember that one night? We had sort of an impromptu 'date' at the lobby
It was only me and you and the silence of the night
We talked but I can't really remember what we talked about
All I remember now was how happy I was that night
But, at that moment I thought nothing of it
I was content just being able to talk freely with you, without what I called The Wall

The Wall is this invisible walls I set around myself; and not many people can truly convinced me to at least lower it so they can enter
But you, you don't even try and there I was destroying The Wall on my free will
Something that I was about to regret later on in my life

Time passed and we were as close as ever
You are as good as a friend can be
Do you remember when I told you about my heartbreak?
You didn't give him or me a judgement
You just gave a few consoling words to me and it was enough
Only you and my best friend since matrix would able to do that
But somehow along the way, something changed
I changed; my feelings changed
I fall for you

Sad thing is, I realised my feelings towards you only after you became someone else's
What sadder was, there was nothing I could do but to watch you with That Person
I stayed at the sideline, just watching
That Person broke your heart; I still stay at the sideline
You get over That Person and getting closer to Person A; me at the sideline
Nothing happens between you and Person A; I rejoiced a bit at the sideline
And now, you are with Person B and you're happy
And here I am at the sideline happy for you, but miserable inside

You know I would do anything for you, don't you?
I cannot say no to you, ever
Lucky you are not an opportunists; or maybe you are and I just can't see it
But I can't imagine you as that; you are just one of the nicest person I've ever known
I cannot help but to feel like I want to give you everything in this world
Cheesy this might be, but you make me want to be a better person
This is coming from someone that has been labelled "Zero Motivation" by her parents, so yeah, you are that special
Sometimes, you gave me hope that maybe something can happen between us
But no, it was just you being a good friend
I am happy and content just being your friend
Because there is still this tiny hope inside me that say 'We', as in you and I, could happen

And then, reality sets in
You and me would never be
The most we can be is friends
It is impossible for us to be more than that
Because you and Person B just so right with each other
Person B makes you happy and that is enough for me
And quoting Adele:
 "Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I Wish nothing but the best for you, too"


All I ask is this, Please don't forget me
Because I will never forget you.
I love you too much to forget you.

This is me confessing my feelings
But it doesn't mean I am hoping you to accept it
This is actually me letting you go
I have to tell you this to have a proper goodbye
So, goodbye my dear friend
Hope you will have the best that life could offer

Goodbye,

And please remember me.

Bila ditanya "Bila nak kahwin?".....

Aku pernah ditanya:
" Are you considering a relationship or can you imagine yourself in a relationship? Not necessarily now, in the future perhaps? Or are you just a serial dater? *laughter*" (Dia hanya bergurau di soalan terakhir tu)


Kalau anda ditanya soalan ni, apa jawapan anda?
Ramai yang lebih kurang umur aku mesti jawab
"Not now but sometimes in the future I do want a relationship"
Soalan relationship adalah soalan wajib ditanya kalau ada reunion
Rasa-rasanya lah, kalau soalan ni tak wujud, reunion mesti jadi boring
Dan bagi sesetengah orang, soalan relationship adalah seperti sialan. Ehe.

Penat kot kalau setiap kali family gathering, soalan sama ditanya. "Bila nak kahwin? Takde boyfriend?"
Dan juga bosan setiap kali orang menuturkan "Takde boyfriend?! Tipulah takde. Takkanlah kot"
Selalunya aku sengih je bila bab2 ni timbul dalam mana2 conversation.
Sebab dengan sengihan aku tu, orang boleh menafsirkan macam2 dan mereka tak tanya apa2 lagi kemudiannya.
Jadi, senyumlah anda jika anda ditanya soalan ni oleh sesiapa je. Termasuklah mak tiga pupu anda yang anda tak kenal pun.

Jawapan aku kepada soalan di atas?

Itu adalah rahsia antara si Penanya soalan dan aku :)

Here comes the Nightmare

Sleep is nice.
I mean, who doesn't like to sleep?
Especially after a long, hard day?
Feeling that blissful feeling of drifting to the Land of No Worries, where there are no worries in that world
Where all problems ceased to exist, or it simply turns into those weird-montages-with-psychedelics-things-in between-the-frame kind of dream
The kind of dream that sometimes left you wondering "What the hell was my sub-conscious mind thinking?!"
And finally wakes up from a weird but restful night

But (yup there's a but in everything),
Sometimes going to sleep is a struggle (or worse, a fight), even after a long, hard and tiring day.
When the mind refused to shut off, because those insistent thoughts refused to go away
Sleep came hard, and it came with a heart-wrenching feeling
The kind of feelings that contribute to the saying 'crying oneself to sleep'
And even if sleep comes easily, Nightmare will come to pay a visit
And there are many kind of Nightmare
There's the wakes-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of Nightmare
There's the it-felt-so-real-it-it-caused-you-to-wake-up-sweating-and-trying-to-find-your-breath kind of Nightmare
There's the it-was-so-scary-I-don't-want-to-sleep-alone-anymore kind of Nightmare
There's the it-keep-coming-back-to-haunt-my-night kind of Nightmare
See, there are many kind of Nightmare
And my least favourite kind of Nightmare?
It's the it-really-the-sub-conscious-projecting-your-fear-and-your-every-thought-it-felt-so-real-and-so-raw-it-caused-you-to-really-cry-in-your-sleep-and-it-will-keep-haunting-your-night-you'll-have-many-sleepless-night

I want and need to sleep

But I don't want to go to bed (at least, not alone)

Because going to bed means thinking that thoughts

And crying myself to sleep

And having my least favourite Nightmare paying a visit

And waking up feeling worse than before

Rahsia Yang Melecehkan

Rahsia adalah satu perkara yang melecehkan
Menyimpannya kadang-kala menjadi beban
Tapi untuk memberitahu orang, tidak sama sekali
Dan aku bukanlah bercakap tentang rahsia yang kecik2
Yang macam "Aku suka Si A. Kau jangan beritau orang lain tau."
Aku bercakap tentang rahsia yang mampu mengubah hidup orang tersebut jika orang lain dapat tau
Lebih kepada yang seperti "Aku pernah masuk pusat tahanan juvana. Dan jangan tanya kenapa"

Kalau rahsia itu adalah rahsia seseorang, dan kita diamanahkan untuk menyimpannya,
Mungkin ia agak senang untuk melupakannya sebab ia bukan rahsia kita sendiri
Orang beritahu kita, orang cakap jangan beritahu orang lain dan secara tak sedar kita lupa tentang perkara tu

Tapi kalau rahsia diri sendiri? Yang merayu-rayu untuk diberitahu kepada orang lain? (ye aku translate direct ayat ni dari English)
Rahsia yang, buat segala bagai benda pun, takkan berjaya lesap dari fikiran
Kalau berjaya pun, perkara yang sekecil-kecil kuman pun akan buat kita teringat semula benda tu
Pada satu tahap, akan terasa nak cerita je semua kat orang lain untuk kurangkan rasa beban
Tapi diri sendiri tahu, sampai mati pun kita takkan beritahu orang lain
Dan akhirnya, kita bercakap dengan diri sendiri semata-mata untuk keluarkan benda tu dari fikiran
Kemudiannya, orang kereta sebelah ingat kita gila sebab cakap sorang-sorang dalam kereta walaupun tak pakai handsfree.

Rahsia memang melecehkan...

Life Notes for future reference.

Dear Me (Dot3),

Here are some life notes you should keep for future references. Open this post sometimes in the future:

1) Never promise promises you don't intend to keep. It sucks to be on the receiving end of a broken promise

2) Likewise, never hold on to any promises promised to you except God's promises. People tend to forget.

3) Yes it is difficult, but please learn to say no. Sometimes saying yes will lead to lots of screw-up.

4) Don't love the one you love too much. This includes family, friends and whoever you love. Yes, even the family.

5) Human should be dictated by their mind, not by their heart. As the Malay proverb said "Ikut hati, mati"


6) Sometimes, it worth biting the tongue than blurting out what's on your mind. Because silence is golden.

7) Sometimes, life sucks. Nothing you can do about it. Just soldier on. It may or may not get better, but you will learn something from it.

8) People will come and go. And people who stay will change; so will you.

9) Please make a more sturdier walls. The one you have is actually not sturdy enough.

That is all for now. You may add some when you open this sometimes in the future.

Yours truly,

Dot3

Walls and Phones

Kau,

Kau dan aku sama-sama jenis tak reti nak depend kat orang

Apatah lagi nak cerita soal jiwa raga segala bagai

Kan kita punya dinding boleh kalah nuclear bunk

Tapi akan ada beberapa orang yang tau luar dalam segala bagai perangai dan sifat kita

Dan orang-orang ni yang kita akan cari

Tapi kau lagi hebat dari aku

Sebab kau fikir orang lain dulu baru kau fikir diri sendiri

Walau kau sendiri dalam mess yang amat sangat

Dan aku sedikit pentingkan diri

But know this,

I care about you and no matter what mess I am in, 

Yours will be my priority

Bak kata Fairy Godmother dalam cerita Shrek:

"Happily Ever After Just a Phone Call Away"

Tapi dalam bab aku dan kau:

"I'm just a phone call away"

Just a phone call away...

With Raya, comes family gathering (and something else)

It was a gut-clenching, almost heart-wrenching moment
Gut-clenching for a reason
Almost heart-wrenching for almost entirely different reason
It was one part of Raya and  family gathering that I hate


A comment here, a comment there
It was all in a good sport
Just an innocent teasing
But they all touched many nerves
Or perhaps one huge sensitive nerve


Just paste a (fake) smile on the face and eat the kuihs and drink the air sirap
Or perhaps just laugh it off as if it was the funniest thing ever heard in a long time
Or just tactfully change the subject
Else I run the chance of losing my tongue from biting it too strong


It was a topic I hate for myriad of reasons
And I don't want to tell them what I need to tell them
Because the truth will be...complicated? heartbreaking?saddening? hurtful?(go on, pick a word)


Ah yes, the truth
They can't and won't handle the truth
So I will just stick with eating kuihs and drinking air sirap
And pasting the sweetest (fake) smile on my face

Raya and random babbling

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI!!!!

Mohon ampun dan maaf kepada semua yang pernah terasa dan sebagainya.

Sila nikmati Hari Raya anda semua sebelum kembali bekerja minggu depan :P

Dan sila check semula dalam masa sekurang2nya 3 bulan untuk next post...kecuali jika keadaan memerlukan post2 emergemcy

Ya, saya sangat bizi (sila baca: malas) untuk update blog ini

Maafkan saya untuk itu.

Dan amat jarang saya akan post cerita2 tentang kisah seharian saya ataupun benda2 personal

Kalau ada pun, ianya akan berbentuk post yang tak difahami orang 

So, that's that

I'm out.

Journey of life

In the journey of life, we'll meet a lot of people

A lot of different people with a lot of different 'colours'
People that has and will affect a person's life
And I held to the believe that there is a reason why these people come to my life
Even if they leave a scar on me

Why did God decide that I should met my best friend during my matrix year?
Because He knew that the years after matrix will be more difficult for me and I will need someone to help me get through it

Why did I gone through one bitter experience with someone during my University years?
Because it has to happened to teach me a lesson about real life and people in it

Why did my I met all the wonderful people in my Residential college?
Because God wants me to have a taste what a great friendship is.

Why some people just come for a fleeting moment and not stayed in my life?
So that I know how precious all those that stayed and even if they are there only just for a while, I learned something from them

Why did I get a job at my past and current workplace?
Because there was and will be something for me to learn from the people in there.

All in all, I'm grateful that I met every single person that entered my life because all of them played a part in my life.
And some I may not realized it until years later.
Yup, God has a way of teaching us something without us realizing it at that moment.

Quacking duck and Family

One random fact about me:
On my hand phone, I set a sound of a quacking duck as my ringtone for calls from all of my family members.

Another fact:
That ringtone is very annoying. You'll feel like throwing the phone to shut it off.

"Then, why did I set it for calls from family?" One might ask me


Well, ducks are cute even though their quacking sound can be annoying.
And I love the adorable creature that is the duck (yes, even with the quacking)

So, yeah I love my family even though sometimes they annoy me to no end
Yes, sometimes I feel like strangling my two younger sisters
Yes, sometimes I feel like shouting at my older sister
Yes, sometimes I feel like decking my older brother
Yes, sometimes I feel really, really exasperated with my parents
But I love them nonetheless
With flaws and all

And I hope they will love me no matter what
No matter what...

Life Part XIX

I'm not a good daughter,
But I'm trying my hardest to be one
I'm a terrible follower of my religion
But I really, really wanted to be the opposite of that
I'm not a good person, as people thought I am,
But I'm trying to be one
I'm not a good friend
But I always try to be there when a friend needed someone
I'm a lazy, selfish jerk
And it kills me when I realized that

All in all, I'm a human
A normal human with flaws
A human that, people sometimes forgot, can be broken (easily)
Despite what my facade is
No, I'm not talking about relationship, love, or something along that line
I'm talking about everything but that
I'm talking about life (my life)

And I'm nearly broken.... 

Life Part XVI

Hundreds, no, thousands of thoughts ran through her head.

Each of the thought passed her consciousness briefly, until she regain her composure

And her thoughts stopped at one particular memory, if that's what other people calls it

She calls it a mistake

And she's still paying the price of that one mistake

The proof of the 'purchase'?

Her inability to give or receive love

What would you do if your life turns out like the one described above?

Is it really possible to lose one or more of the many feelings human beings should be feeling?

And feeling only a few?

Life is full of question

Don't you think so?

Life Part III

Post ini akan menjadi post yang agak boring

Ini tentang hidup secara am dan apa saya fikir tentangnya

Terpulang nak baca atau tidak ayat2 seterusnya

Dan saya akan menulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris 

Bukan sebab mengada atau sebagainya tapi sebab kadang2 otak saya lagi senang nak sampaikan apa yang ingin saya sampaikan dalam Bahasa Inggeris (terutamanya kalau otak tengah haywire)

During my secondary school years, I never thought a lot what my life would be

I always thought somehow I'll get a job, get married, have kids, and so on

At that time, I don't really want to think about all of that because I'm the type that tends to overthink things so it always end up with me scared of what the future hold for me

Honestly, even now I sort of have a phobia of the future

But now, since I'm more or less officially an adult, I have no choice but to think about what I want to do with my life

I have lots of questions about my life these past few months.

Do I want to do the job I'm doing right now for the rest of my life?

Is this what I really wanted for myself?

Is this all life have to offer me?

Am I brave enough to drop everything I have and try to fulfill my dream(s)?

Do I really want to get married?

Who am I in this world?

And many, many more these type of questions kept coming to my mind

Some has been answered

Some are not

I don't know why I kept thinking about all of these

Maybe because now I'm a bit out of my comfort zone since I started working about 5 months ago

Or maybe because the reality of life has just slapped me on my face

Or maybe the simple fact that I like to torture myself thinking about it

All I know is, all of that are a valid questions and worth finding the answers

Even if the answer nearly make you cry yourself to sleep.

10 perkara tak best

10 perkara tak best yang boleh berlaku ketika anda sedang tersangkut dalam kesesakan lalu lintas:

1. Perut anda membuat keputusan untuk memberontak kerana makanan tengahari anda yang tak best

2. Pundi kencing anda membuat keputusan bahawa ia tak dapat menampung bebanan lagi

3. Tangki minyak hampir kosong kerana kealpaan diri sendiri untuk check meter minyak sebelum memulakan perjalanan

4. Kereta anda tiba2 membuat keputusan tidak suka anda lagi dan berhenti tanpa sebab di tengah jalan.

5. Radio di dalam kereta anda membuat keputusan untuk tidak berfungsi tiba-tiba

6. Anda bergaduh dengan sesiapa yang ketika itu berada di dalam kereta dengan anda dan masing2 taknak bercakap

7. Anda sedang mengantuk tahap gaban disebabkan cicak tokek kat belakang rumah mengganggu tidur malam anda

8. Anda memandu kereta manual. Enough said.

9. Ada super idiot memandu di depan kereta anda. Tengah2 jam pun nak buat perangai super idiot dia tu.

10. Gabungan perkara no.5 dan no. 6

Sekian.

It's easier to hate...

It's easier to hate than to love
Don't you think so?

When you hate something or someone, it doesn't matter if the feeling is reciprocated or not
When you hate something or someone, you will not get hurt if the feeling is not returned
When you hate something or someone, even if the feeling is returned, you'll gain or lose nothing
When you hate something or someone, you'll feel relieved if you lost it
When you hate something or someone, you don't have to care about it
When you hate something or someone, there's only a slim chance of you getting hurt

So in short, to hate is to not get hurt?


Love will hurt you no matter what
Still, it is the thing that people always try to find

Love...What is love?
Why do people keep searching and longing for it?


I'll repeat what I wrote before
"I do believe in the thing called love
It's just I never believe it'll happen to me"
No, I'm not being pessimistic
I'm just being realistic and practical
Realistic because only I know what my heart is capable of
Practical because, well, let's just leave at that

Oh, patut la...

Virgo's are often called the control freaks of the horoscope. They usually invent a world and live in it. This is usually not a fantasy world (like something an Aquarius would create to amuse his or her friends.) It is usually a very practical construction that enables workaholicism or reaching a long-term goal in some way.
Patut la aku selalu frust; sebab aku x dapat kawal benda yang aku nak kawal 


Virgos really appreciate scent so one way to attract one is to wear a designer perfume or aftershave of some kind.
No wonder la what's I remembers the most about someone or something is their scent...


Virgos are not huge conversationalists in the first place so idle chit chat is not their favorite form of discourse. They also hate people who are gossips or interested in matters that are silly or below their dignity. You'll never catch a Virgo buying a celebrity tabloid for instance.
Patut la ramai orang ingat aku ni pendiam. Kalau ramai2, aku tak terasa nak join bercerita. Orang dah tanya baru aku jawab. And that's also explains why I always feel people won't understand whatever topic I want to talk about.


Keep in mind that Virgos have an extremely critical eye. They will notice everything and record it including how much you tip, whether you keep the cap on the toothpaste done and what side you part your hair on.
Patut la aku selalu perasan (notice) benda yang orang lain tak perasan. Dan betapa frustnye aku rasa lepas tu.


Virgos work best one on one
That'll explains a LOT of things.


Virgos love to label people and compartmentalize their own social lives so that entire groups of friends may never cross.
Yeah, I'm guilty of it. My school friends never know my matrix friends and vice versa. My varsity friends never know both groups. And in those three groups of friends, there is smaller groups. And rarely they cross path with each other. And even if they do, I rarely acknowledge it.

Aku dah terpengaruh sangat dengan horoskop2 ni semua ke?

just letting off a bit of my steam...yes, I'm irked

 Professor Gerry Thomas, the director of the Chernobyl tissue bank from Imperial College London, says too much emphasis is being put on the nuclear issue. "I think we're getting an accurate picture as far as the radiological alarm is concerned. What concerns me most is that we're actually focusing on the wrong disaster.The real disaster is the tsunami and the number of people who've lost their lives that way. We're focusing on a disaster that isn't a disaster.

Eat that, those who started the stupid rumour

Yeah, it's stupid because I can't see the connection between radiation and acid rain.

And yeah, it irked me to no end.
Unless you're the 50 workers at the plant that trying to cool off all the reactors, 
you don't have anything to be worried about.

Life is more than what you are thinking it is...

Jepun dilanda gempa bumi dan tsunami
And here I thought my life is miserable...


Setakat entry ni ditulis, 100 orang disahkan mati
And here I am, wishing something bad will happen to me so that I don't have to go to work


Kerosakan harta benda dijangka bernilai berbillion dollar
And here I am, thinking my personal finance is screwed enough 

Ramai kehilangan harta benda
And here I am, feeling unsatisfied with what I have

Rakyat Jepun masih dalam keadaan berjaga-jaga
Mereka bersyukur masih hidup
And here I am, whining about my life


Bumi makin tak stabil
Tanda2 kiamat dah banyak
And here I am, still the ungrateful servant of God




Hidup ni lebih dari yang kita sangkakan
Yeah, definitely it's more than that....

Skim Rumah Pertamaku

One morning in an interior design contractor firm
A lady is sneakily reading her boss's newspaper
Main news: SRP (Skim Rumah Pertamaku) launched by the Government
The lady's brain can only process these info:


Skim Rumah Pertamaku
For those who are earning less than RM3000 a month
Ok, that could be me; that's what the lady thought
They can get a full loan with a low interest payback scheme for the purchase for their first home
Full loan? Low interest? Ok, that's interesting enough
For houses worth between RM100,000 to RM220,000
The lady's reaction?
WHAT?!?!?!
RM100,000 to RM220,000 only?!?!


Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful or whatever
But only RM100,000 to RM220,000?!
Come on, be real
What type of house can you get for RM220,000 in the Klang Valley?
All I can think of is two or three (small) bedroom low-cost apartment
In Malay language, rumah pangsa
Or at best, a medium three bedroom apartment, but at a not-so-desirable location
What more RM100,000?
A PPR (Projek Perumahan Rakyat) house?
I don't know about other states
But I'm pretty sure, the range is still quite, err, unreasonable

Do the government think that the price of houses is still at the 80's to 90's price?
Their intention is good, but their way is not so.
If you want to help, find a way so that developer will not put exorbitant price on houses
Sometimes Most of the times, the price of the houses in Klang Valley is really mind-boggling
Even at a location that is far from Kuala Lumpur or any other satellite cities,
the price is baffling
Want a reasonably-priced house? (Doesn't necessarily mean it's in the Skim's range)
Find it in Rawang, Bukit Beruntung, or perhaps Kubu Gajah
Or any other places similar to it
Or else, prepare to be disappointed
Just browse through the newspaper, Classified section, House for Sale
And you'll understand why I'm saying what I'm saying

Thanks to the Government, the lady had a humourous and amusing morning that day

Sick for the umpteenth time...

3 bulan keje, 3 kali sakit

Sakit #1: viral infection 

Sakit #2: flu yang menyeksakan

Sakit #3: flu yang menyeksakan - round kedua

Orang lain pun macam ni ke?

Immune system aku yang lemah atau memang kerja teruk sangat?

Lebam la kalau sepanjang hidup macam ni....

What's the use of doing something that supposedly 'it's-what-you-should-do-in-life'

If it's slowly gonna destroy you?

Ok, I exaggerated about the destroy part but you got what I meant.

Crazy but sane

A crazy person never admit he's crazy

A sane person never have problem admitting he's crazy 

But what about sane person that question his own sanity?

What do we call them?

Half crazy / half sane?

He's sane enough to admit he's a bit crazy

But he's also crazy enough to deny that he's crazy

My words doesn't make sense?

Well, *shrugs*

Just what defines sanity?

A person that have logic and reasons?

What if he does have logic and reasons,

but his logic and reasons are distorted?

And what about logic itself?

What does it mean?

Some things are unexplainable

It just have to be accepted as it is

headscarf, shawl and fashion

They were talking about headscarf, shawl and fashion.


Daughter #3: Ni memang fashion sekarang la

The Mother: Fashion apa la tu...berjurai2...blah blah blah etc (yeah, dat's why I never stray from jeans and shirt *lame excuse*)


Daughter #1: Ala, biasa la tu...fashion

The Mother: Siapa la yang start fashion2 gini....

Daughter #1/Daughter #3/ The Son: *voices* (they were talking at the same time)


The Mother: *still complaining about the headscarf fashion*

Daughter #1: Ni fashion si Yuna tu la. Kan dia yang pakai gitu

The Mother: Hah, fashion siapa?

Daughter #1 & The Son: Yuna

The Mother: Haahhh? Tuna?!?!

Daughter #1: Yuna la. Yang menyanyi tu

The Mother: Oh.* Continue complaining*

Oh mom....
Still love her though


p/s: no offense to Yuna though...this is just my mom being my mom :)

Random blabber

When you are used to be treated in a certain way,

the moment someone comes and treat you differently, in a good way,

You won't know how to react

and You're bound to feel something, a lot of somethings

Was it awkwardness?

Or was it the feeling of being flattered?

Some clueless-ness?

Or perhaps, a bit of gratefulness?

Or, or, maybe it's the feeling of being appreciated

All I know is, it felt good

Too bad I seldom felt it

/shrugs

Hati, tenanglah kamu...

I suffer in silence. I don't cry in front of people. I can smile despite how shitty things are. I will always put you before me. I leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It's because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. What can I say, I'm just a f*** up with a good heart.

Anon in tumblr

drapetomania (noun) - An overwhelming urge to run away

the awkward moment when you realize your friends don't care about you as much as you care about them unknown in tumblr

when we were kids, we pretend to cry when sleepy to attract mom's attention. 

Now, we pretend to be sleeping when we're crying quietly to avoid question 

unknown in tumblr

Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody

how you really feel

not because you don't know why

not because you don't know your purpose

not because you don't trust them

but because you can't find the right words to make them understand

unknown in tumblr

It's not that I don't believe in love,

It's just I never believe it will happen to me

Dot3

Oh, how true how true

PolaraX, Sathrocin ES, Paracetamol & Bena Expectorant

Hari kejadian: 2/2/2011

Seminggu sebelum hari kejadian:

wah, excitednya saya
lagi seminggu saya akan bersuka-ria bersama rakan2
tak sabar nak cuti

3 hari sebelum hari kejadian:

aiseyh, apsal hidung rasa semacam je ni?
badan pun cam rasa tak best jek 
badan penat sangat kot
nasib baik sok dah start cuti

2 hari sebelum hari kejadian:

badan terasa sangat2 tak best
hidung pun dah mula congested
tapi gagahkan diri gak, abeskan hampir satu hari berkampung kat kompleks PKNS
atau dengan lebih tepat lagi
berkampung di pejabat imigresen selangor
tapi perasaan makin excited menunggu hari kejadian

1 hari sebelum hari kejadian:

bangun pagi dengan rasa yang teruk
hidung congested
satu badan sakit
pening kepala sebab sinus
kena paksa g klinik

hasil g klinik?

PolaraX, Sathrocin ES, Paracetamol & Bena Expectorant

berdoa akan sihat pada hari kejadian

Hari kejadian:

bangun pagi dengan harapan yang tinggi
tapi hampa
hidung masih congested walaupun badan dah rasa ok sikit
dapat call dari member
pastu call member lagi sorang, terpaksa batal tiket
akhirnya bagi SMS kat 7 orang member
PolaraX, Sathrocin ES, Paracetamol dan Bena Expectorant masih jadi peneman setia
malam pun tiba; perasaan?

frust kali sepuluh kuasa sembilan puluh tiga

Sebagai manusia biasa, reaksi aku memang la kecewa, sedih, frust dan sebagainya
Tapi bila fikir balik, mungkin ada sebab kenapa jadi gitu
Allah tak menjadikan sesuatu tu tanpa sebab
*Sedang cuba mencari keikhlasan dalam menerima hakikat*

PolaraX and Sathrocin ES, here I come my love.

Soalan untuk diri sendiri: Siapa aku?

Siapa aku? Apa aku buat kat sini?


Pernah tak tanya soalan tu kat diri sendiri?
Ye, nampak cam ayat standard scene dalam movie/novel/yang seangkatan dengannya
Scene di mana salah sorang watak accident dan bila dia sedar, dia tak ingat dia siapa

Tapi, pernah fikir tak kalau benda tu jadi kat kita
Kalaulah tiba2 satu hari kita terbangun dan kita tak tau apa2 langsung pasal diri kita
Kita terpaksa bergantung kepada orang lain untuk tau pasal diri kita sendiri
Dan kita taktau apa yang mereka beritahu tu betul ke tak
We can't verify whatever people tell us about ourself

Kita bangun, kita tanya kita siapa
Diorang jawab nama kita
Pastu kita akan tanya apa jadi kat kita dan sebagainya
Diorang jawab semuanya
Pastu kita akan mula tanya pasal life kita sebelum accident
Dan diorang akan jawab
Tapi, apa yang diorang jawab tu, betul ke pasal kita?
Kita nak percaya atau tak?

Sekararng, mungkin boleh lah kita jawab
"percaya je lah apa mereka cakap"
tapi kalau kita alami sendiri
mungkin kita akan penuh dengan rasa doubt

Sekarang aku adalah Dot3 yang bekerja di PJS dan masih ahli MSC
Dot3 yang minat bersukan dan Kpop dan Kdrama dan personality bordering on tomboyish
Tapi mungkin bila aku dah accident dan lupa pasal siapa aku
Akan ada orang yang mungkin nak ambil kesempatan (atau hanya untuk humour; termasuk la family yang mungkin mahu aku jadi seperti yang mereka nak)
dan beritahu bahawa aku adalah Manusia A yang tak bekerja dan bukan ahli MSC
Manusia A yang sangat feminine dan minat drama Melayu dan rock kapak dan menjahit

What if?

We're different, but we're not wrong

We're different, but we're not wrong - CL of 2NE1 in OSEN interview

I like the interview answer given above

Why?

Because I experienced what happened when being different from others

Initially, I was bothered by it

But as time goes on, I don't give it a worth anymore

The thing is, no matter where I went

Or who I met, I always end up being a bit different from others

The difference was whether they accept it or not

I was lucky when I met those who accepted it

But those who do not, well *shrugs*

Another thing is, it's not that I am sooo different that I'm a total social outcast
Just slightly different in my way of thinking, and some other things
Even that considers me as 'different', 'weird' etc
But even if I'm a total social outcast, which I don't mind being one
I was and am not wrong

Yes I am different, but I am not wrong
Same goes to other people that dared to be different

You'll understand, if....

We agree that we differentiated ourselves.

Our image and everything is different (laughter).

I want to think of it as a compliment.

We are DIFFERENT, but we're NOT WRONG 

~ CL OSEN interview~

It's not because I'm a singer that I listen to songs and practice singing,

but because I love singing and dancing that I am a singer

If there comes a time that this starts to feel like it's nothing more than just a job,

I think I would quit with no regrets

If it's not fun anymore, there's no reason to do it anymore

~CL Vogue Interview~

I just want to live doing meaningful work.

NOT to SOMEONE ELSE, but MEANINGFUL TO ME

right now, that is to sing and dance, which is why I am doing this work

~CL Vogue Interview~

I don't like being alone in a dessert, 
but I like being alone in a big city

~CL Vogue Interview~

Truthfully, even if I have only one friend my entire life, that would be enough. Whether that's my husband or boyfriend, I'd like it to be someone that I love.~CL Vogue Interview~

I really, really admire you, CL of 2NE1